


such a heavenly way to die

by beomz



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: I ALMOST FORGOT THE ONLY THING I SHOULD'VE SAID, M/M, also please be nice i am a pisces, anyway ig that's it, but nothing so explicit, i don't know what to put in here, it's cute, mention of death and suicide, now i feel lonely, they're in love tho, what should i write in here i'm taking opinions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:21:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29268654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beomz/pseuds/beomz
Summary: Late night thoughts and talks about life, death and happiness.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	such a heavenly way to die

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at like 1am, last Thursday, in less than 2 hours, so yeah. It took me HOURS to translate tho, English isn’t my first language, please be aware of that, I can’t show off /j, no but the punctuation signs and pronouns… i hate ir here. ANYWAY, hope someone like it!

The room was in complete darkness, blinds and curtains shut at request of the boy sleeping next to him. Only their breaths were audible, that and the slight sound of _fairy dust_ that only shows in presence of complete silence. Taehyun was thinking, his mind taking a journey worthy of a hare in a meadow, jumping from a topic to another almost without a common thread; but there was something which couldn’t be faded, a melody repeating the same twenty seconds again and again.

He thought, if he had to die at that precise moment he would be pleased.

The debate between life and death was something really weird, unreal; thinking about something as incontrollable as that didn’t generate him anything more than a lacking feeling, or anything at all; irrelevance is, after all, nothing. But if he could choose, if he could have an opinion about his own end, it would be to die by his side. He learnt what was to be satisfied with his life, well, a part of it. If his happy place was someone he wanted to be by his side at the end. Oh! And somehow it sounded so romantic.

But it was weird, everything felt weird. Switching from not having an opinion about life and death to found something, _someone_ , who made him wish all their moments, even the final ones, were together. At least he will go happy, right? He was anticipating a non-existing future anyway.

And he always thought, even though never dared to say it, he would never really think about something like ending his own life. Being okay didn’t seem normal in a generation led by problems and taking bad decisions. He was afraid of talking about it with his friend because it is a delicate topic, and even more afraid was of talking to Beomgyu about it. He seemed like the thinner and delicate crystal of all, he hated seeing the other boy sad over stupid things like Dumbo’s movie, he’d hate himself if he dared to make him even a little uncomfortable.

But Beomgyu often liked being sad. Taehyun couldn’t comprehend why, he wanted to protect him from everything but he couldn’t do it from the boy himself. After all Beomgyu was a free spirit, a free spirit chained only by his own self, capable of hurting himself before anyone else can do it.

_“Being sad is not a bad thing, sometimes being sad makes you happy.”_

That was what he told him a couple weeks ago and Taehyun couldn’t stop thinking about it. Why would sadness make you happy? Weren’t those opposite things?

But at the end of the day there were a lot of thing that he didn’t understand, and being honest he didn’t make an effort trying to understand them. All those strange concepts Beomgyu talked about weren’t of his liking, they were mutable, subjective; life is a lot easier when things are labelled, decisions are easier to make being black and white, maybe some grey tone but nothing more than that. And when he thought about it he could see those concepts as reflects of both of them. He loved the kind of person Beomgyu was but he could never be like that, simply he didn’t find the logic in his ideas, they seemed vulnerable on a personal level and that is something he won’t let happen. Taehyun could be a mess sometimes but his ideas were always fixed, there was a beginning and an end, a goal; Beomgyu didn’t have any of that, frequently he was lost in life, it was painful to watch not knowing how to help. He didn’t have a barrier so he was exposed to disappointment after disappointment, but he never changes, and that’s what makes him so appealing, the sensation of security he gave to everyone. The sensation all people around him had but he doesn’t.

It was a mystery for Taehyun knowing why they were so attached to each other with the hundreds of differences they had.

“What are you doing?” Beomgyu was looking at him with tired eyes, his head on Taehyun’s arm, still trying to wake up.

“I can’t sleep.”

The sleepy boy reached his phone under the pillow. “It’s 4A.M. Were you watching the ceiling for almost two hours?”

“I didn’t notice, time flies.”

Beomgyu sat in the bed, reaching a water bottle and drinking. Taehyun looked at him, like it was a way to recharge his energy, until the boy exited the room. In that alone time he went over all his thoughts that night, he wanted to talk about it with Gyu. It probably wasn’t the best moment since he just woke up but right now his curiosity was bigger than his empathy.

When Beomgyu came back he laid looking at the ceiling (as far as a not-twin-size-bed left him).

“Are you going back to sleep?” Taehyun whispered.

“Hm.”

“I was thinking…”

“What?”

“… would you consider yourself a happy person?”

Beomgyu got back as his original position, head in Taehyun’s arm with his right arm around him. “Yes, why?”

Taehyun sighed. “I am not sure. I don’t think I feel real happiness very often?”

“And how do you feel then?”

“Numb.”

“I’d count that as something more good than bad, it’s better than feeling sad.”

“Didn’t you tell me sadness sometimes makes you happy?”

“Yes, but letting yourself feel sad, something healthy, ain’t the same as being unhappy or feeling bad all the time.”

“Hm.”

The silence took over the room one more time. Taehyun wasn’t satisfied with Beomgyu’s answer, it felt tangled, with so many holes and not a lot of sense. He was frowning, eyes were fixed on the window’s frame. Beomgyu was looking at him, even in the darkness of the room he could still tell the boy beside him was grumpy.

“When do you feel real happiness?”

A couple seconds passed while Taehyun soften his expression and search for a way to put in words the thoughts wandering around his head.

“It’s very specific.”

“That’s a problem.”

And something that felt like a kick toward his brain were the times when Beomgyu sounded like some therapist and he made him open doors he wouldn’t even touch on his own. Because it was obvious that his only source of happiness couldn’t be the boy next to him, but that isn’t something he’d like to accept any time soon. Taehyun would prefer deal with thousands of things instead of facing the fact that his life must be stuck and boring as hell to be feeling that way; and perhaps, only perhaps, he was the one who didn’t change his ways.

“I feel happy when I am with you.”

“And what else? Doing what?”

“Just… being with you.”

Taehyun covered his face with his free hand, trying to escape the shame accumulating in his cheeks. It sounded a lot worse out loud, pathetic.

“Well, as much as I like being the source of your happiness, and trust me I love it, I can’t just be okay with you saying that.”

“I know.” A sad smile appeared in his face. Beomgyu hugged him tighter, burying his face the other’s neck, his tickling breathing provoking a giggle. It was a relief for both of them, at least he knew how Taehyun feels now.

“Maybe that’s not happiness, maybe you’re just completely in love with me or something like that.”

Taehyun just laughed, but it was true. He hadn’t think of it that way, no matter how numb he felt, perhaps the comfort Beomgyu gave him was, in fact, because he was ridiculously in love with him. It was still being happiness, but a more specific one, no the “standard”. And that could be something good, it’s easier to find a source of happiness that isn’t someone to love, right?

“Do you know what remind me of you today? When my sister was driving me here, she was playing music in the car and this one song came out, I didn’t pay attention until the chorus, and then the rest of the lyrics, and now I can’t get it out of my head.”

“What song? You’re in love by Taylor Swift?”

“No, but it could be too.”

They laughed, there was nothing particularly funny about being in love but, for Taehyun, the mere sound of Beomgyu’s giggles were better than any existing song.

“I don’t think it’s a love song, it said _to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die_. And, since you’re my only serotonin, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“That’s… a lot darker than I expected, I don’t know that song but sounds kinda alarming.”

“I’m not thinking of throwing myself in front of a bus if that’s what’s worrying you.”

Leaving jokes aside, Beomgyu had now an odd expression, as if he tried to figure out what was Taehyun wanting to say. He knew the boy didn’t want to throw himself in front of a bus, it was a fact, but shouldn’t he be worried about it? Maybe in other situation was a call for help but was this one?

“Are you really okay?”

“Yes, it’s a song. You’re taking this way more serious than it is.”

“I think the problem is I am not taking it seriously, you can’t stop thinking about dying and I’m also your only happiness, I think that’s serious enough and still I don’t feel worried.”

“Love.” Taehyun looked right at Beomgyu’s eyes. “Of course you’re not worried, because you know me, and you know these are just random thought with no meaning, other than maybe discovering that I love you to a weird point where I can relate to the lyrics of a dramatic song.”

Beomgyu dropped his gaze to the other’s chest. Somehow he was happy he didn’t have to be concerned about Taehyun, it was good not feeling that blame he felt with everyone around him. He knew if something happened to Taehyun he’d be the first to know because they trusted each other, that’s the kind of relationships he always tries to build, with communication being the key of everything. But still, it was new.

“I don’t want you to die until we’re old as fuck, okay?”

“I promise I’ll find some other thing besides you that keeps me happy so you won’t worry. Even though I plan to live until my old man bones crush.”

“That’s… a disturbing image, I hate you.”

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> btw the song is there is a light that never goes out by the smiths.


End file.
